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| how true- i wish you would ask me how i really am or hear me rant or hear me cry or feel me or make a conversation for less than 5 minutes or maybe just listen i wish im heartless i worry i worry that maybe i worry that maybe im not as what people expect me to be i worry that maybe someday they will realize they are better off without me i worry that im just not enough i worry that i wont be able to stand on my feet strong again i worry that i wont feel anything again i worry that someday all i want to do is to run back to you and you're not here because.......im not important i worry that i will break my promise to myself to not feel hurt again i cant tell what this is, it beats me either to know what this is. has been bugging me ever since god knows when. sometimes, if there is one thing every humanity should learn i reckon it would be to fuck everything. yeah, take that. learn how to fuck everything. now i just want to plop onto bed and sleep forever but too bad, i know i cant. but if i were to die early, i wont regret anything because.........i want to die in peace. just saying. there are so many things i feel inside but i just am clueless to translate my clumps of thoughts into proper sentences. my life's a messed, my head is too, everything is such a fucking mess. i have a problem with people who vanishes and then waltzes back into my life and expect to be instantly forgiven. now i realized that the purpose of having a middle finger is for assholes like them and only them. nobody who comes into my life is entitled to give me so much to remember you by and one day leave, without a single note of goodbye. you should know how vulnerable my heart is, im not physically nor emotionally strong every single time shit happens. i kept quiet does not mean im fine or not hurt. oh wait, i apologized it was partly my mistake in thinking that you actually know me. i mean, universal truth is, you can never fully know a person. trust me on this. on the same note, i get so easily attached to people until my heart cant familiarize itself with letting go. so that probably explains why im just so scared to let you in again, because if you left me hanging once you can always leave me the second time right? but please dont take it the wrong way. knowing how naive my heart can sometimes be, i trust you. i dont recall of any moment whereby i dont trust you at all. so if you think you're going to leave me one day, tell me sooner ok so that i could brace myself/prepare myself mentally and emotionally or maybe even physically/wouldnt pin my hopes all on you/wouldnt waste my time on you. I AM JUST SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING BECAUSE THOSE WHO LEFT ME, NEVER LOOKED BACK. im sorry im so pissed at myself right now. im mad at nobody but myself and i dont know why. i told you i suck. on the same note, why the fuck does everybody thinks i have changed. for goodness sake, i never changed, i grew up. it just so happens that i grow faster both mentally and emotionally. get the fuck out of my life if you hate the "new" me. go and kill yourself. my goodness i apologized im letting the f-bomb out here and there. i feel so hopeless i dont know what to feel anymore because apparently, everything and everyone sucks the shit out of me. last night before i went to bed, i contemplated about how i think its just my insecurities acting up again but on second thought, i choose to believe its not anymore my insecurities acting up, its me/you/whatnot. its juts everything in my life. fuck it. fuck me. i want to die, goodbye. |
