I deliberately pick this photo out of all because well, you hardly take a proper picture of yourself. No? Okay it doesn't matter. I know its been a long time since I last went on hiatus, actually its not that long, only 2 weeks or so. Okay, don't get sidetracked. The sole reason of doing this post at 3:33AM is to wish him all the best for tomorrow's result. He's a smartypants so he'll do well. I believed in him and the number of times I have prayed, I had promised to include him in my prayers and I did so God, please let him do well. Please give him what he deserved. Please answer my prayers. 


And give him the strength. Don't worry bby, you'll do just fine<33


Only God knows how much I am missing you right now. In my heart, I can feel you because its just real. You are lovely. Very lovely.

61 how can i be this weak

Looking back, it was all so easy. I seemed to not be affected  by anything of my past but actual truth, you know nothing about what happened, you don't feel what i felt so you have got no right to judge me whatsoever. On another note, i simply to whatever extend would never fathom why the fcuk people from my past won't stay in my damn past?


I honestly am doing fine without you, ass. If you're looking for forgiveness (which apparently is the whole question here) then i am not sorry to say, its not to be found here. You can say you're sorry a million and one times but i would still don't care. After what you did to me, you clearly know how vulnerable i have always been so you served that as an advantage to yourself and prove to me how selfish a jerk are you. Wow dude, thanks alot. I have found someone new now and i am happy with him. I don't need you in my life anymore so fucking stop sending me long unimportant messages i won't even be bothered to reply or read even. Save me another heartbreak and just leave. Don't come back to me okay. Just don't. We're not meant to be together, not even on the friends basis. I have had enough of your bullshits from the past.


It frustrates the hell out of me to be frank. With every words he wrote to me, there lays the possibility of me falling all over for him again. Thats how weak i am and he knows that and yet, he's doing all these intentionally. I have been suppressing my emotions for god-knows-how-long and finally felt relieved to be able to spill everything out to fir :') Even though i have disrupted his sleeping time, he still listens to me. Thats the best part of him actually. I mean, one of the best. I am aware of how annoying i can be but he doesn't mind. So i told him i love him and was in utterly disbelief haha that was classic. And yes of course, he said he loves me too.


Goodnight!

hi there, i just realized that after such a long hiatus (technically, not that long heheh) my statistics is still ongoing, people visits my blog. i feel good. i mean, i feel appreciated for at least there's someone out there who cares about whats going on with my life. i feel they agree with me, for some reason. oh well, you know who you are, thank you bb!!


sidenote, my friend zuzu (happens to share the same nick as my cuzzy) helped me create a twitter account when I SWEAR I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ASKING HER TO DO AS SUCH. she has no twitter herself, lamegurl_1234. well anyway, come poeple, whoever you are follow me. i dont want to be talking alone on twitter HAHAHA


here's the link baby, CLICK HERE :>

60 uneasy hearts

I came across this on tumblr. For some reason, i really am so glad i stumbled upon it because it made me reflect back on my shitty attitude towards you sometimes. I know my actions confused you sometimes and being me, i never would admit if i am mad or upset at you. Truth be told, reason i never want to be upfront about my feelings is because i don't wish to make myself seem petty. I am hyper-sensitive freak who wants nothing but to feel accepted by you. I won't lie that sometimes you pissed the hell outta me I just want to push you away but you made me realized I was being petty and I don't want to wallow in self-pity so much. I am not perfect but i am trying to be for you<3

59

OMG HI I THOUGHT I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE PASSWORD FOR MY BLOG BUT OH WELL I STILL DO REMEMBER AFTER COUNTLESS ATTEMPTS HEHE OKAY, UPDATES LATER ON I SHALL START ON MY ASSIGNMENTS FOR EEPE THEN CDEV THEN UHMM......STB. FUCK SOMEONE COME HERE AND KILL ME NOW. I DONT WANT TO SEE TOMORROW. FOR APPARENT REASONS, I WILL MESS UP FOR STB UGH. DIE.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHY AM I USING CAPS? TOO EXCITED? MAYBE.....................

58 if i die, read my tumblr & you'll learn everything

its because your brain tells you, "you have suffered enough, its time to take a break from everything."  make much sense to you? 

well anyway, here's a real-life story for you. 

when i was 6 years old, i was almost knocked down by a car because i wanted to retrieve something i cannot recall that fell on the road while i was crossing. i knew there was an oncoming car but i was so young i did not think. fortunately, my dad was fast enough to pull me back. i survived. i did not die.

when i was 9 years old, i almost died because of the carelessness on my part. i was on a holiday trip with my family and was happily getting myself wet in the waterfall. i did not realized how deep the water was so i went in and was eventually drowned. luck was not on my side because the people who saw me struggling did not even lift a finger to help. on my own,  i survived. i did not die.

when i was 15 years old, i went to the doctor and was referred to a specialist because there was a growth inside of me. i had to go through an operation that lasted for 4 hours and my mom was the only one waiting, apparently. i sensed there was 3 doctors and many other nurses working on me. i was put to sleep until it was over. i survived. i did not die.

when i was 16 years old, i was walking home from school and was almost knocked down by a Mercedes. i blamed myself. my mind was somewhere else and the screeching sound brought me back to reality. the driver was kind enough to not cursed me. thank god, i survived. i did not die. 

so if i can survived all of these on my own, what makes you think im not a strong person? 

57 i have a weak heart when it comes to you

i can be tough

i can be strong

but with you, its not like that at all

there's a girl, who gives a shit

behind this wall

you just walk through it

and i remember all those crazy things you said

you left them running through my head

nah......................this song is meant for you. i play it on repeat before i went to bed everynight, because thats when i thought of you the most. 

56 no tittle

hehe its so cute but somehow akin to alien, dont you all think so too?

things i intended to/must  do:

• go shoe shopping with the mom<3<3
• complete field practicum session 1 and typed it out nicely, using proper english, on Microsoft Word
• remember to practice again what made me frustrated last friday in Ms Joyce's class
• keep my sources of distractions away from me for as long as i can (and hopefully remained sane)
• delete facebook blog and whatnot that happens to be my sources of distractions (by delete i meant deactivate)
• i've been thrown to do mountains of assignments so maybe start on my "5 ideas of transitions for young children"/"physical education for the young to reduce childhood obesity"/field practicum sessions 1-3 compiled together in a file/print out cover pages for all assignments 
• read childhood development textbook
• sign up for famine camp and pay 55bucks for it
• visit my workplace to see amy aung and dansen john 
• give my biggest 20sec hug to both amy and dansen!!!!
• sort out my feelings

things i have done so far:

• went shoe shopping after school and bought shoes and shoes and more shoes and food and other things! xx
• deactivated facebook but i cant do it for long....i guess. 
• climbed the stairs and hills at school without panting 
• met and hugged amy darling and (dansen.............only knows how to cheat my feelings everytime but its ok i forgive you<3)
• pigged out
• tumblr
• cried in bed

im such wreck. so unproductive, i should kill myself for that. i wanna skip school on monday but i cant and someone just had to remind me about that ha ha, its ok i forgive you.

on another note, have you all catched "UP" the movie? if you're saying yes, well dont this kid above looked damn adorable? i wish i know where he lived so i could actually go up to him and hug him and never let go. and if you have not then.....go and die. ok, im just kidding. 

xx.

55 sleeping is nice

this type of guy.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................does not exist.

moving on, last night met up with my mok i luvv her for listening me rambling on everything and nothing all at once. felt much better to know that there's someone who will always be there for me no matter how many shits i have. besides, its a healthy habit to talk your problems out. well, i dont really have a problem but........................yeah . 

"Loving you is confusing me as i have never loved someone like how i love you."

idk which one to choose from so that explains why i uploaded both heh :B
to see more, do not hesitate to visit, beautifulpictures_1234.mok.com. 

54 savage minds

how true-

i wish you would ask me how i really am

or hear me rant

or hear me cry

or feel me

or make a conversation for less than 5 minutes

or maybe just listen

i wish im heartless

i worry 

i worry that maybe

i worry that maybe im not as what people expect me to be

i worry that maybe someday they will realize they are better off without me

i worry that im just not enough
i worry that i wont be able to stand on my feet strong again
i worry that i wont feel anything again
i worry that someday all i want to do is to run back to you and you're not here because.......im not important
i worry that i will break my promise to myself to not feel hurt again

i cant tell what this is, it beats me either to know what this is. has been bugging me ever since god knows when. sometimes, if there is one thing every humanity should learn i reckon it would be to fuck everything. yeah, take that. learn how to fuck everything. now i just want to plop onto bed and sleep forever but too bad, i know i cant. but if i were to die early, i wont regret anything because.........i want to die in peace. just saying.


there are so many things i feel inside but i just am clueless to translate my clumps of thoughts into proper sentences. my life's a messed, my head is too, everything is such a fucking mess. i have a problem with people who vanishes and then waltzes back into my life and expect to be instantly forgiven. now i realized that the purpose of having a middle finger is for assholes like them and only them. nobody who comes into my life is entitled to give me so much to remember you by and one day leave, without a single note of goodbye. you should know how vulnerable my heart is, im not physically nor emotionally strong every single time shit happens. i kept quiet does not mean im fine or not hurt. oh wait, i apologized it was partly my mistake in thinking that you actually know me. i mean, universal truth is, you can never fully know  a person. trust me on this. on the same note, i get so easily attached to people until my heart cant familiarize itself with letting go. so that probably explains why im just so scared to let you in again, because if you left me hanging once you can always leave me the second time right? but please dont take it the wrong way. knowing how naive my heart can sometimes be, i trust you. i dont recall of any moment whereby i dont trust you at all. so if you think you're going to leave me one day, tell me sooner ok so that i could brace myself/prepare myself mentally and emotionally or maybe even physically/wouldnt pin my hopes all on you/wouldnt waste my time on you. I AM JUST SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING BECAUSE THOSE WHO LEFT ME, NEVER LOOKED BACK. 

im sorry im so pissed at myself right now. im mad at nobody but myself and i dont know why. i told you i suck. on the same note, why the fuck does everybody thinks i have changed. for goodness sake, i never changed, i grew up. it just so happens that i grow faster both mentally and emotionally. get the fuck out of my life if you hate the "new" me. go and kill yourself. 

my goodness i apologized im letting the f-bomb out here and there. i feel so hopeless i dont know what to feel anymore because apparently, everything and everyone sucks the shit out of me. last night before i went to bed, i contemplated about how i think its just my insecurities acting up again but on second thought, i choose to believe its not anymore my insecurities acting up, its me/you/whatnot. its juts everything in my life. fuck it. fuck me. i want to die, goodbye.

53 honesty

so true la plz omgosh.

if we cut this down to the most basic idea there is, you will understand this:  I’d rather know an ugly truth than be mislead by a pretty lie. Because i would rather my heart hurts than to rejoice over something that is not true. I hate that. I really detest that. I cannot emphasize much more on how much i really dislike it but yeah. I hate that. I mean, who likes being cheated on right?


And before you actually presumed anything, please know that im not being cheated on right now, someone else is. 


well on another note, i went for interview in the library just now and still cant believed how nice the seniors were. im not stereotyping anyone but its this perception the freshies have on our seniors. anyway, one of them just made it into my list of cuteboys (eheh) like seriously, my girlfriends looked at me with green eyes because i got him and they got some old lecturer HA HA so good to be me. but anyway, i didnt went for the interview to find love haha sounds like im degrading myself, but anyway i dont like the whole idea of "promoting" myself because it just feels so awkward and boastful and so full of myself. but ironically, thats the whole point of going to an interview. it went well, so glad he didnt grilled me for answers :B


k i got to get down to the stadium for my S&W class! 

52

51 i've been california wishing on these stars

I want a boy best friend who will call me beautiful, and like my photos on facebook, commenting them saying things such as the fact he's proud to have me as a bestfriend. One that I can call up, crying about other boys, and him saying he'll beat the shit out of them for me. A boy bestfriend who will drive me around like he's my big brother, and kiss me on my cheek/forehead when he knows I'm upset. One who becomes friends with my boyfriend and one who calls me up to see what I'm doing. I want a boy best friend who will tell me when I'm wrong, and force me into fixing things and apologizing because he knows that it will make things better for me. I want a boy best friend who i could be boyish when i feel like it, one who knows something is wrong with me without me having to say a word and he would  give me big warm hug. One that are fully aware of all my flaws but never leave my side. One that is never embarrassed to introduce me to his friends as his girl best friend and more importantly, treat me the same way like when its just the two of us. I want a boy best friend who would go all out to make me laugh when i'm upset. After all, everybody loves guys with a good sense of humor. One that i could insult and didn't take it to heart because he knows i love goofing around. Being able to sit in dead silence with him without feeling awkward because i feel closed to him. 


Bottom Line: I just want a perfect boy best friend, who will love me and protect me from all the other boys. 

50 heart over mind

Royal wedding was today and i bet millions around the world wants to witness it so badly just like my mom. Ever since she got back from work in the evening her eyes were practically already glued to the telly screen until late night. And in all channels she flipped through are all about this royal family while my dad are those like "oh they're getting married k wtv" kind of person and decided to zone out, completely. As a girl, i cant help it but felt a tingle of excitement for Kate and ha ha I AM SO JEALOUS LA PLZZ omgoshh she's literally a cinderella in REAL-LIFE this aint a fairytale its all real, they're going to have babies soon and will lived happily ever after in a huge mansion. She already gets her prince while im here still waiting for my prince to come and turn my image of fairytales into real life circumstances. Oh wait, i should grow up and learn by now that fairytales do not exist (hardly). Lucky for Kate Middleton. 

Well moving on, today marks the end of the first week of the academic week and believe it or not, 2 weeks into school and im still experiencing major culture shock. Everything is just so overwhelming and i always say that tomorrow will be a better day but it never happens. Hardly does. Im just so afraid i will lose it, someday. And when that happens, im going to stab myself. Ha ha. 

#49

k hi im in school and its going to rain anytime soon now and my batt is going to die on me pretty soon im going to be so bored like wtf later on i need to stay in school until 930 at night because of some unreasonable TAC or was it TAS hahaa sorry cant remember and school today is slacked i loved it. sorry there's no punctuation or wtv, i never am fond of using punctuation anyway haha so too bad. ok, batt left 13% only thats sad news :( i am dead tired but school keeps me occupied all the time. i need something else to keep me sane. and i wonder how im supposed to go back home later on, my batt is going to die flat-out on me, i dont have enough credits on my concession card, and apparently, no coins to take bus home either. wow, goodluck to me. its so cold out here i have my cardigan on but nothing beats the cold breeze and times like this i wish i am thick-skinned so i could have enough fats to keep me warm. i know im practically babbling nonsense but kwtv this is all random thoughts inside my head. and speaking about which i went work yesterday and didnt bring my phone along haha see how im such a klutz sometimes? well truth be told, almost quarter of my life but thats cute right? heh heh :B k i really need to get my ass down to the lecture theatre. 


xx!!

#48. TODAY I MET A BIMBO FRIEND. I LOVE HER ALREADY.

you can run over me

Think about how much things are different right now compared to the past. I miss the old days when life was easy for me. Oh wait, what i meant was less of a suffer. Who am i kidding, life can never be smooth-sailing or safe to say, its hardly easy. Orientation last week was exhausting and painful to the point that we suffered from sunburnt and didnt turned up for school. But nevertheless, im so glad we've bonded as a whole and i cant even read the awkward atmosphere that used to hang around us. Oh and i remember how Josiah and Amierul kept on teasing me about the starbucks guy who tried to hit on me ha ha, epic fail. They're hilarious gay boys and i loved them. They cracked me up everytime.

Moving on, lessons has officially starts and today marks the third day of learning. Truth be told, i wasnt prepared both mentally and physically. Body is failing me. This whole week has been overwhelming, i can feel my bones breaking apart and i have yet to brace myself of what to come. I am so afraid of practically everything. Goodness gracious, with fingers crossed i hoped i could get this past ever so quickly. I need something to keep me sane. Gotta pick up a hobby already... :/

On a happier note! Tomorrow is just so happens that i have no class and no practicum(wtv is that) which for the obvious equates to us all being able to sleep in yayy!! For the past 3 days that had been hectic enough, i need tomorrow so badly. I have been climbing those stupid two hills just to get to class everyday and as a student, can i please suggest that you would assigned each class to ONLY one venue? Its hard to have only 15 minutes to find those stupid buildings and its not even in sequential order, which adds to the agony apparently. I bet im not the only one who gets lost every so often but its ok because the seniors are there to even walk you to class. Almost everyone was late for this week's lesson and having being in a huge school, with masses of people everywhere, thats particular about punctuality is just so hard for the students. But i'll get used to it by the 3rd week, or atleast, thats what they say.

K i think thats long enough ha ha xx !!

ps/my life has been plainly boring these days but you keep me alive!

WHAT AM I DOING HERE.

So hi.

I have been checking up on my blog and keeping up with the blogs i follow but i just haven't felt the need to blog. I know it sounds a bit bizarre as i'm a total procrastinator but lately i've been curbing my spending (on myself...).  But ok thats totally going off topic.

Well, i hope you dont mind my lack of posts as im drawn more to tumblr coz partly being its easier and it kinda speaks for me. Anw, I'm not going to be the kind of blogger that makes one post after another but i'm going to try and make posts at least regularly hehh :B

So here, meet my partner :B K, stop marveling and your train of thoughts.....its not like what you may think. I nicknamed him zallie or zelly or as for now, botak. Everyone knws im drawn more to botak people and haha it beats me either so stop asking. All im supposed to say is that he's a relatively nice person, though he look a little like mr.bean (the animated one) he's a little bit more handsome, he's full of nonsense but still he makes me laugh at his stupid jokes at times. He has a weird and quirky habit of looking at people's nose and thankgoodness he liked mine hahaha. Well, i reckon he shall be the first and last to notice that anyway. Fortunately, he has a good voice i have heard him sing good. There's a lot more to him you have yet to know and i shall stop here as i am dead exhausted from work and basically, life. Life hasn't been treating me well but being me, i wont let myself wallowing in self-pity. Instead, i'll jump over that puddle and make the best out of everything.

Moving on, school officially starts next week and omfg i hate the idea of going into a new school with new faces and new everything. Idontknw, i guess im just not ready for school yet and 4 months of holidays is never sufficient to brace myself for a practically new life in poly.

Maybe i shoud turn in early tonight to save my permanent eyebags from drooping even further. I can die of guiltiness tomorrow.


Goodnight. :X

there are things you would tell others (except me)

hi. i hv not been here for awhile and anw life is extremly exhausting for everyone but it has reached its limits as for me. well, i dun know how im supposed form my clumps of thoughts into proper sentences cuz i reckon, the chances that you're gonna understand what i've been going through are wafer-thin. i've got so much on my plate, till the point everyone tends to let the fact that im only 7teen (okkkk, fine, almost 7teen : B one more year i can go clubbing and partayy all night!! ha ha) slipped their mind.


hi. i live to eat. i literally live to eat. i luv food so much i realised i need to get my ass down to the gym but...who am i kidding im so lazy i  would rather locked my eyes on my television screen than working out heh, yupszxc thats how lazy i am and omggg i 've gained like so much calories and i am afraid i cannot stop eating because universal truth is, food is addictive, or so i thought heh.


hi. my darling is going to have an operation tmrw and i can only afford to remember her in my prayers, and will drop by with my girls and boys this friday. we all believed you will be fine because a person like you is loved by Him. we love you, HURUL<3.<3


hi. i loved work. lately, my life has been occupied with work and i dont seemed to mind in either way. work makes me happy. work makes my mind occupied. i sounded like a workaholic and i couldnt have agreed with myself more. bottom line: work keeps me sane, which is what i needed most right now.


hi. you got me ever since you sang to me and played your guitar. i believed you when you pulled me aside and said that things are going to be okay. thanks for being there when i needed someone and thanks for sticking up for me. thanks for being you DC.

Im so scared of losing myself. Something feels heavy and im afraid it'll get the best of me and reduced me to more than what i've become now.