There's a reason to everything.

There's a reason why i hate going home late at night, especially when i am all by myself. That explains why i have always insists on going home by early night. I never told anyone actually and i don't intend to. And it has got nothing to do with ghosts, seriously. Ever since that night I have always felt that someone, whoever that may be, is going to hurt me in one way or another. That person may be a complete stranger to me and they may as well just happened to be walking the same route as me and not going to even go near me much less touch me but then i got paranoid and scared myself with all those thoughts. I hate that. I really do. I hate how everytime i am alone outside, my mind tends to force believe that everyone around me is out to hurt me and that feeling just sucks. Whenever i heard footsteps and craned my neck to see who's behind me, i can feel my heart thumping so hard and me pace quickened. Even a tinny voice or signs that someone is near me made me had the familiar conviction that a similar incident is going to happen. And so, silently i remind myself to keep breathing, pretend that someone else is with me, anybody just to subdue my feelings. And it goes that way the whole time i am out. Nothing but fear and imagination. Because that is all i have ever known during these times of my life, its a complete nightmare. Sometimes, i got scared for no reason at all. I never felt safe. That fear that has been following me, i wish i could overcome it but its almost next to impossible given how i was traumatized by it for almost a year now.

you'd be the prince and i'd be the princess.

Take a step back. Look at yourself. You are human. And a beautiful person. You can be anything and do anything and everything. Don't hate that boy who has broken your heart, or everyone just because your bestfriend betrayed you or because someone called you fat, ugly and that person has made you feel useless, worthless and self-conscious. Instead you could always turned the other cheek and not concern yourself with things you can't take control of. Cry when it is time and then let it go. Forget things that aren't worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. And stop taking your mother for granted. Love life. Love yourself and live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do it again and again until you know what it really means to really love someone. Tell people how you really feel about them. Sleep under the stars. Thank the star that has made your wish come true. Meet new people. Get out of your comfort zone. Make someone's day. Follow your dreams and believe in yourself no matter what. Live your life to its full potential. Just live, and stop talking about how you can't live without your boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean come on, that person may not be the one for you. JUST LIVE. Let go of all horrible things happened in the past. And one day when you're old, look back with no regrets whatsoever.

That's how i planned to live mine.

There are times i want to hate you and times when i want to completely drop you out of my life, but i can't. Reason being, i still have faith in you and in us. I still think there could be something happening somewhere later in life. Wishful thinking even though i clearly know the blant truth. I keep on acting as if everything's fine. It is highly annoying how whenever i tried to move on, you would always be right there and you never realized but everything feels like a stab in my chest, because it hurts so much that it brings up memories i'd rather forget. But i can't say anything, because then people will know and come to realize of my weakness, of how vulnerable i have always been. So instead i fake a smile to mask the utmost truth. But in retrospect, I don't regret anything at all. I took the risk and even though it didn't turned out to be the way i wanted to, i know i would learn something out of it. And i did.


Well on another note, i hate the fact that i can't escape from people. I tried to avoid them at all cost but wherever i go, i know there's bound to have at least someone i can't stand. I perfectly understand that that is life. But i don't get how and why some people choose to be that way. I can remember when I didn’t get so bothered about peoples personalities but as im growing up and realizing much more, I am starting to dislike people for their personality. Mostly it’s the people I start to get close to. Maybe it’s because as soon as two people become so free with each other they break the barrier to who they really are. They’re true self starts to show, even the negative. I have always marveled at how life can sometimes be tiring. One wrong decision and it can go about affecting almost everyone and that, i supposed not in a good way. If you know what i mean.

Moving on. See this girl in the picture? Yeah, I love her. Lately, i have been spending too much time with her that i am getting sick of her already. And who am i trying to kid? I could never get sick of her face. Ever. Anyway, we're too pumped up for graduation night that we have (almost) everything planned out. I swear to anything nothing tops the idea of getting ready and planning for a huge night with your bestest girlfriend<33. Seriously. On the same note, here i will summarized what happened last Saturday.

1. Us two with firdaus/darren/faizuli went studying.
2. and there were alot of talkings in between
3. i helped them with certain fundamentals of poa
4. we took pictures
5. time past and we got hungry
6. we had dinner at Mufiz and we ordered ice cream prata for dessert
7. we took pretty pictures while waiting on our orders
8. somehow, we felt cheated because it turned out to be much smaller than in picture
9. and we took some more pictures...
10. mingled aroud west mall after that and we decided on taking neoprints (we're cute, aren't we?)
11. after we're done, we went under the void deck to sort out the pictures
12. each of us had those prints inside our wallet where you would usually place your ID
13. we took more pictures
14. we wrote down of the names that would be invited to our chalet/bbq
15. reached home nearly 10:30pm
16. when it was nearly 12am, we had conference call until 3:30am
17. i swear my eyes were all heavy the next day and somehow till monday too.
18. above all things, i love us <3.

Well, I ought to be studying and practising math 0___0. Its true what they say, when major exams are round the corner, your life practically revolves around it. And so i guess its a good thing that i like books with lots of words in them<33.