I dont know why i have a weak heart when it comes to you. You can be the most ridiculous person i have ever met but you can still be the sweetest person i have ever known. You can sometimes be quite a jerk without even your conscious ticking you. I tell myself repeatedly to not be weak anymore but it seem like i have gotten myself more engulf in this love-hate feeling while in the midst of getting out of the cycle.
Earlier today or rather since late last night, i felt the same tingling feeling i feel everytime i think of you only worse.
I dont know why i felt the way i did last night. The feeling is rather different. My mind is processing like a hundred thoughts but only one sticks out: I wanted to say yes because its the only way i could see you but i didnt want to go because i would again see you. Last night, i kept tossing and turning and cant get to sleep. I didnt sleep a wink until its about 4 plus in the morning. I was partially excited and was anticipating today but a part of me just didnt feel like going, at all. Well anyway, in the end i still went, and i pushed all small inches of hope i harbor back into mind.
Moving on, few minutes after we settled down someone struts up right in front of me and so i followed my gaze up a little and i saw you, your face, beaming. It was a feeling of absolute joy, swelled up inside my chest like a balloon. I hate to say this but i tried (real hard) to ignore you, your presence there because i didnt want to be caught staring at you. So then i practically tried to lock my eyes on my paper but only you are in focus, a short distance ahead. Then you smiled that wonderfully open smile of yours, and on some level my heart heals a little. When we moved closer i could almost feel the heat from you, felt the warmth of a blush spreading across my cheeks. I just love the way you look at me, the way you are makes my breath catch. Its enough for me to feel a million of different things.
But the thing is, as much as i wanted to talk to you to be my normal self i was always tongue-tied. I cant utter any words. I must admit, i was rather cold to you and solemn looking. I guess its because i didnt want you to know how i feel about you, that im still in love with you after all these time that even after everything (i saw everything by the way~) and i still choose you. If it isnt love, then i dont know what it is.