58 if i die, read my tumblr & you'll learn everything

its because your brain tells you, "you have suffered enough, its time to take a break from everything."  make much sense to you? 

well anyway, here's a real-life story for you. 

when i was 6 years old, i was almost knocked down by a car because i wanted to retrieve something i cannot recall that fell on the road while i was crossing. i knew there was an oncoming car but i was so young i did not think. fortunately, my dad was fast enough to pull me back. i survived. i did not die.

when i was 9 years old, i almost died because of the carelessness on my part. i was on a holiday trip with my family and was happily getting myself wet in the waterfall. i did not realized how deep the water was so i went in and was eventually drowned. luck was not on my side because the people who saw me struggling did not even lift a finger to help. on my own,  i survived. i did not die.

when i was 15 years old, i went to the doctor and was referred to a specialist because there was a growth inside of me. i had to go through an operation that lasted for 4 hours and my mom was the only one waiting, apparently. i sensed there was 3 doctors and many other nurses working on me. i was put to sleep until it was over. i survived. i did not die.

when i was 16 years old, i was walking home from school and was almost knocked down by a Mercedes. i blamed myself. my mind was somewhere else and the screeching sound brought me back to reality. the driver was kind enough to not cursed me. thank god, i survived. i did not die. 

so if i can survived all of these on my own, what makes you think im not a strong person? 

57 i have a weak heart when it comes to you

i can be tough

i can be strong

but with you, its not like that at all

there's a girl, who gives a shit

behind this wall

you just walk through it

and i remember all those crazy things you said

you left them running through my head

nah......................this song is meant for you. i play it on repeat before i went to bed everynight, because thats when i thought of you the most. 

56 no tittle

hehe its so cute but somehow akin to alien, dont you all think so too?

things i intended to/must  do:

• go shoe shopping with the mom<3<3
• complete field practicum session 1 and typed it out nicely, using proper english, on Microsoft Word
• remember to practice again what made me frustrated last friday in Ms Joyce's class
• keep my sources of distractions away from me for as long as i can (and hopefully remained sane)
• delete facebook blog and whatnot that happens to be my sources of distractions (by delete i meant deactivate)
• i've been thrown to do mountains of assignments so maybe start on my "5 ideas of transitions for young children"/"physical education for the young to reduce childhood obesity"/field practicum sessions 1-3 compiled together in a file/print out cover pages for all assignments 
• read childhood development textbook
• sign up for famine camp and pay 55bucks for it
• visit my workplace to see amy aung and dansen john 
• give my biggest 20sec hug to both amy and dansen!!!!
• sort out my feelings

things i have done so far:

• went shoe shopping after school and bought shoes and shoes and more shoes and food and other things! xx
• deactivated facebook but i cant do it for long....i guess. 
• climbed the stairs and hills at school without panting 
• met and hugged amy darling and (dansen.............only knows how to cheat my feelings everytime but its ok i forgive you<3)
• pigged out
• tumblr
• cried in bed

im such wreck. so unproductive, i should kill myself for that. i wanna skip school on monday but i cant and someone just had to remind me about that ha ha, its ok i forgive you.

on another note, have you all catched "UP" the movie? if you're saying yes, well dont this kid above looked damn adorable? i wish i know where he lived so i could actually go up to him and hug him and never let go. and if you have not then.....go and die. ok, im just kidding. 

xx.

55 sleeping is nice

this type of guy.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................does not exist.

moving on, last night met up with my mok i luvv her for listening me rambling on everything and nothing all at once. felt much better to know that there's someone who will always be there for me no matter how many shits i have. besides, its a healthy habit to talk your problems out. well, i dont really have a problem but........................yeah . 

"Loving you is confusing me as i have never loved someone like how i love you."

idk which one to choose from so that explains why i uploaded both heh :B
to see more, do not hesitate to visit, beautifulpictures_1234.mok.com. 

54 savage minds

how true-

i wish you would ask me how i really am

or hear me rant

or hear me cry

or feel me

or make a conversation for less than 5 minutes

or maybe just listen

i wish im heartless

i worry 

i worry that maybe

i worry that maybe im not as what people expect me to be

i worry that maybe someday they will realize they are better off without me

i worry that im just not enough
i worry that i wont be able to stand on my feet strong again
i worry that i wont feel anything again
i worry that someday all i want to do is to run back to you and you're not here because.......im not important
i worry that i will break my promise to myself to not feel hurt again

i cant tell what this is, it beats me either to know what this is. has been bugging me ever since god knows when. sometimes, if there is one thing every humanity should learn i reckon it would be to fuck everything. yeah, take that. learn how to fuck everything. now i just want to plop onto bed and sleep forever but too bad, i know i cant. but if i were to die early, i wont regret anything because.........i want to die in peace. just saying.


there are so many things i feel inside but i just am clueless to translate my clumps of thoughts into proper sentences. my life's a messed, my head is too, everything is such a fucking mess. i have a problem with people who vanishes and then waltzes back into my life and expect to be instantly forgiven. now i realized that the purpose of having a middle finger is for assholes like them and only them. nobody who comes into my life is entitled to give me so much to remember you by and one day leave, without a single note of goodbye. you should know how vulnerable my heart is, im not physically nor emotionally strong every single time shit happens. i kept quiet does not mean im fine or not hurt. oh wait, i apologized it was partly my mistake in thinking that you actually know me. i mean, universal truth is, you can never fully know  a person. trust me on this. on the same note, i get so easily attached to people until my heart cant familiarize itself with letting go. so that probably explains why im just so scared to let you in again, because if you left me hanging once you can always leave me the second time right? but please dont take it the wrong way. knowing how naive my heart can sometimes be, i trust you. i dont recall of any moment whereby i dont trust you at all. so if you think you're going to leave me one day, tell me sooner ok so that i could brace myself/prepare myself mentally and emotionally or maybe even physically/wouldnt pin my hopes all on you/wouldnt waste my time on you. I AM JUST SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING BECAUSE THOSE WHO LEFT ME, NEVER LOOKED BACK. 

im sorry im so pissed at myself right now. im mad at nobody but myself and i dont know why. i told you i suck. on the same note, why the fuck does everybody thinks i have changed. for goodness sake, i never changed, i grew up. it just so happens that i grow faster both mentally and emotionally. get the fuck out of my life if you hate the "new" me. go and kill yourself. 

my goodness i apologized im letting the f-bomb out here and there. i feel so hopeless i dont know what to feel anymore because apparently, everything and everyone sucks the shit out of me. last night before i went to bed, i contemplated about how i think its just my insecurities acting up again but on second thought, i choose to believe its not anymore my insecurities acting up, its me/you/whatnot. its juts everything in my life. fuck it. fuck me. i want to die, goodbye.

53 honesty

so true la plz omgosh.

if we cut this down to the most basic idea there is, you will understand this:  I’d rather know an ugly truth than be mislead by a pretty lie. Because i would rather my heart hurts than to rejoice over something that is not true. I hate that. I really detest that. I cannot emphasize much more on how much i really dislike it but yeah. I hate that. I mean, who likes being cheated on right?


And before you actually presumed anything, please know that im not being cheated on right now, someone else is. 


well on another note, i went for interview in the library just now and still cant believed how nice the seniors were. im not stereotyping anyone but its this perception the freshies have on our seniors. anyway, one of them just made it into my list of cuteboys (eheh) like seriously, my girlfriends looked at me with green eyes because i got him and they got some old lecturer HA HA so good to be me. but anyway, i didnt went for the interview to find love haha sounds like im degrading myself, but anyway i dont like the whole idea of "promoting" myself because it just feels so awkward and boastful and so full of myself. but ironically, thats the whole point of going to an interview. it went well, so glad he didnt grilled me for answers :B


k i got to get down to the stadium for my S&W class! 

52

51 i've been california wishing on these stars

I want a boy best friend who will call me beautiful, and like my photos on facebook, commenting them saying things such as the fact he's proud to have me as a bestfriend. One that I can call up, crying about other boys, and him saying he'll beat the shit out of them for me. A boy bestfriend who will drive me around like he's my big brother, and kiss me on my cheek/forehead when he knows I'm upset. One who becomes friends with my boyfriend and one who calls me up to see what I'm doing. I want a boy best friend who will tell me when I'm wrong, and force me into fixing things and apologizing because he knows that it will make things better for me. I want a boy best friend who i could be boyish when i feel like it, one who knows something is wrong with me without me having to say a word and he would  give me big warm hug. One that are fully aware of all my flaws but never leave my side. One that is never embarrassed to introduce me to his friends as his girl best friend and more importantly, treat me the same way like when its just the two of us. I want a boy best friend who would go all out to make me laugh when i'm upset. After all, everybody loves guys with a good sense of humor. One that i could insult and didn't take it to heart because he knows i love goofing around. Being able to sit in dead silence with him without feeling awkward because i feel closed to him. 


Bottom Line: I just want a perfect boy best friend, who will love me and protect me from all the other boys.