#4 Coz i can't make you love me.

SCHOOL TOMORROW SCHOOL IN A COUPLE OF HOURS SCHOOL ON MONDAY.
Everyone is dreading school tomorrow and that only, leaves me thinking that i am the weird one. Today has turned out to be one of those freak days at the end of June that makes you think that you're left with a couple of hours of freedom and that afterwards, nothing else matters except to get down to serious business. Well anyway, i think i am the biggest procrastinator and somehow i am determined to stop delaying things and finally get my brains working.


Before i never knew that people have been reading my blog. Well im not trying to boast about anything or wtv you may think. Its just that i got people coming to me telling me on fb/msn about stuffs i wrote on my blog. Really, I do appreciate it  ^_^

Food, i love you very much.

I am halfway there.

I can't just give up now, can I?

Well in any case, i'm going to make a change.

I'm determined to do so. 

Nothing is going to stop me.

I flip through the channels today, but nothing pops out at me. So i went to my room, tried to be more productive but its unfortunate that i get distracted even by the littlest things. So i went online, but appeared to be offline because i dont want to have some desperate people like you talking to me. (Honestly, im kind enough that i didnt block/remove you from my list.) So then i spent the rest of my time reading things, from books to magazines. I read until to the point of exhaustion. By late afternoon, i have run out of reading material.


Okay, well anyway you may call me mean on some level or wtv because i didnt know father's day even existed. And by that, im not saying i dont love/respect my father. I mean i do, he is my FATHER, after all. Even though we shared space for almost 16 years now, im always unsure of how to begin conversations with him. Believe me, it is so much easier when my mum is around. 

The world is yellow today.

I dont know why i have a weak heart when it comes to you. You can be the most ridiculous person i have ever met but you can still be the sweetest person i have ever known. You can sometimes be quite a jerk without even your conscious ticking you. I tell myself repeatedly to not be weak anymore but it seem like i have gotten myself more engulf in this love-hate feeling while in the midst of getting out of the cycle.


Earlier today or rather since late last night, i felt the same tingling feeling i feel everytime i think of you only worse.
I dont know why i felt the way i did last night. The feeling is rather different. My mind is processing like a hundred thoughts but only one sticks out: I wanted to say yes because its the only way i could see you but i didnt want to go because i would again see you. Last night, i kept tossing and turning and cant get to sleep. I didnt sleep a wink until its about 4 plus in the morning. I was partially excited and was anticipating today but a part of me just didnt feel like going, at all. Well anyway, in the end i still went, and i pushed all small inches of hope i harbor back into mind.


Moving on, few minutes after we settled down someone struts up right in front of me and so i followed my gaze up a little and i saw you, your face, beaming. It was a feeling of absolute joy, swelled up inside my chest like a balloon. I hate to say this but i tried (real hard) to ignore you, your presence there because i didnt want to be caught staring at you. So then i practically tried to lock my eyes on my paper but only you are in focus, a short distance ahead. Then you smiled that wonderfully open smile of yours, and on some level my heart heals a little. When we moved closer i could almost feel the heat from you, felt the warmth of a blush spreading across my cheeks. I just love the way you look at me, the way you are makes my breath catch. Its enough for me to feel a million of different things.


But the thing is, as much as i wanted to talk to you to be my normal self i was always tongue-tied. I cant utter any words. I must admit, i was rather cold to you and solemn looking. I guess its because i didnt want you to know how i feel about you, that im still in love with you after all these time that even after everything (i saw everything by the way~) and i still choose you. If it isnt love, then i dont know what it is.

#1 you go your own way, I'll go your way too.

Hi there. I have decided to create a new account because..i just feel like it. Haha.
Well anyway, I too have decided to not create a new tagboard or used the previous because I just dont want to.


Moving on, in a week time we'll be going back to school. Part of me miss school (because i didnt meet up with my girls so i kind of miss them and the other friends :< )  but part of me didnt want to go back because well, isnt it obvious enough? I have yet to start on my holiday homework and i know this may sound crazy but i just feel like doing it on the weekend. But of course, i doubt i will complete it.


I tried studying during my free time so I dig out my physics textbook and I try in earnest to study. But i find myself doodling-of stars falling to earth and kill us all, aliens invading the earth, little barbie girls with big heads and i wrote your name with a heart shaped circled around it and then i erased it away. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that my subconscious is speaking out. I get distracted (even by the smallest thing) when studying. When i hear the birds squawking i got distracted and starts to think of the things i should have done/said when wewerestillonspeakingterms. My brain makes weird connections like that. Listing things in my head that are concrete somehow makes me feel calm and safer.

I think im the strangest creature i ever know. Sometimes i give myself the creep. Im like the ticking bomb. Tick, Tock, Tick. Can you hear me? Im about to explode right now. Only waiting for the perfect time. Im lost in my own daydream and i cant find myself because of you. Everything that has happened is all because of you. I haven't sunk so low that i need to pep myself up with silly words. Its crazy that i can hear myself think especially during the day but its amusing too, to hear those words i cant say. Right now, im floating in the sky and you cant touch me.


You cant hurt me anymore.