My dreams begin to reign

Suddenly i am in front of the lights. Everything im feeling is scary and beautiful at the same time. Suddenly everything has changed. Suddenly i feel so alive, in a blink of an eye. Suddenly i am center-staged. Suddenly i am not afraid. Suddenly time, it feels like a gust of wind. It changes everywhere that i go. Im just trying to stand out. But im still that girl. Im following my heart, in this amazing crazy world.


Suddenly i believed again. Im gonna be positive. Not runaway. This is life. I want to say love me for me. Whats inside. I've been thinking alot about taking chances, how it is really about overcoming your fears. Because no matter what happens next, i know i'll be glad that i took the risk. And i did. Am gratified to you. To your wilingness. I didnt know the trouble. I didnt want to care.

\

Bottom Line: My heart really do 'like' you.

I have ugly teef.

I reckon pictures are self-explanatory. I was bored, and had nothing to do so.. i thought maybe i could use a few shots to kill time. Heh.

Moving forward, i hate myself sometimes. I hate how easy i seem to be around humanity. Being strong could be a good thing , knowing you would stop dwelling on yesterday's harrowing event in fast time. That you are not weak but able to let go of everything thats not meant to be. But then again, life is constructed by liars and people like you and i, we stereotyped alot. Ultimately, we have the tendency to presume that people who appears strong never needed an emotional prop. Never have the desire to have someone to really asked what is on the inside. Nobody can deny how sometimes its tiring to manage oneself alone. Everybody needs someone. Everyone is vulnerable to at least something. Sometimes, you just cant tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you dont know why. Not because you dont know your purpose. Not because you dont trust them. Not because you feared of being judged. Not because you feel insecure of letting people in. But because you cant find the right words to make them understand. Thats how i feel right now. Im emotionally exhausted. Im only 6teen and there's not much i can take but already there's so much on my plate. Its rather staggering for me to know that i can keep so much bottled up inside and walk around and not a soul has any idea of the hurt inside my heart. I know you're supposed to check your emotions at the door, but hey. Im only human. I have my limits too.

I'll wear your pearls

Our initial plan was to meet at 1:45pm but some trivial matter came up that eventually became not so minor anymore. So it became 2:30pm. But apparently another not-so-major thing came up and he had to take the train to CCK to do something-im-not-so-sure-of. And i was sitting all alone with an old lady who kept talking to me in her language as if i were her friend. I swear she was not keeping me sane. Its a good thing that the public faces were vacant so hardly anyone noticed. Walked through the same path over and over again. Pass macdonald. Pass the train station. Pass subway. Pass M1. Pass rockery. Pass all of westmall. Finally he called and we found a comfy spot and chilled and talked and slept and shared banana split and...he's off to work. Let my little feet to explore hidden parts of s'pore. Waited 2 long hours for R. When she finally came it was already 15 minutes past 6pm and after few minutes of deliberating we decided to spend our friday night walking aimlessly at shopping malls. Going any place is the same when im with her <33 And finally home at 11(plus)pm.

So last friday was all about the HEHEHE and the HAHAHA and oh lets not forget about the YUUUUUUCCK part.

Say goodbye to my heart tonight

6691.) I thought I had forgotten about you, but you just broke my heart again. Here we go again, you did it again.

6683.) I wish you could see the potential of you and me.

6681.) Even though I tell myself everyday that I’ll finally ask you, the truth is I won’t ever work up the nerve to ask you how you feel about me again. Because as long as I don’t ask, it doesn’t entirely matter. But if I put it out there, tell you how much I care about you and ask WHY you haven’t done anything about it when everyone we know is asking the same thing… you can say no. You can say you don’t care, you don’t like me, and you can shatter my illusion. And I can’t do that to myself.

6791.) Even though you hurt me in the worst possible way, even though you can be a right cunt at some times, I still want to run away with you and live in a little cottage with you; just us. I’ll never stop loving you. You’re all I want.

6767.) You can use me, abuse me, call me names, spread shit about me, push me around and knock me down. But I will never lower myself to your level. Ever. When I don’t fight back, it’s not because I’m weak, it’s because I’m stronger than you will ever be. I’ll survive, with my pride, integrity and the knowledge that I am the best person I can be. I won’t hurt you to justify my own pain. I’m better than that. So when you’re older, more mature and ridden with sadness and guilt, just know that I’ll be happy, because I know that seeing me smile pisses you off more than anything. Karma is a beautiful thing.

On another note, a friend of mine just texted me and it hit me how much i wished i still had school. I miss school and the familiar faces i see everytime i walked down the hallway. I miss 4e3's lively atmosphere and the friendly ambience of our class. I miss being able to wear the green uniform. I miss everything and shits laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i hate this feeling. Anyway, on a happier note will be meeting him later at 3pm. That ought to put my mind off sad things, for a while i guess.

The judgement day is over

Today, i am still intoxicated with my results. I still can't get over the fact that i used to be a straight F9 student for science until prelim but i got a solid B3 for it in O levels. It was a first for me, to be able to pass both math (being one of the core subjects) and science with relatively good grades. And im glad i did well because my mom promised some good $$$. I love the smell of money. HaHa. I am beyond ecstatic for poly life partly because I am eligible to apply for the course i have been dreaming of pursuing ever since forever and also because of the environment and ambience of a new school with new faces and new everything. And to those who did not do as well as they have expected, just chill. I know i am in no position to actually tell you what to do but you know, its not the end of the world yet. There are still so much more in life you can pursue and not necessarily by a poly education. I hate to see people sad so cheer up everyone, chins up, heads hold up high, things will turned out to be just as good. Believe in what you can do and not what life can do for you. Ultimately, this is your life. Take chances. History may repeat and be like a cycle. But thats how life is. Its unfair sometimes. Forever believe in yourself because everything lies within you. Its not right how some people decided that based on their results, they can't really go anywhere. Thats just plain dumb. Its irrational (i mean the decision you're going to make). Surround yourself with a good vibe and positive energy because personally, i believed optimism can never hurt too much.


Moving forward. Spent the first few days of 2011 with two girls I have missed a lot. And im thinking of dying my hair!

I intended to upload more photos but its taking forever just to upload one JPEG so...i guess byeeeeeeeeee! Am going to decide my 12 choices. I really hope they would like me to be in psychology because thats exactly where i want to be in.

Erdina.

This is my heart.This is how i feel.

6691.) I thought I had forgotten about you, but you just broke my heart again. Here we go again, you did it again.

6683.) I wish you could see the potential of you and me

6681.) Even though I tell myself everyday that I’ll finally ask you, the truth is I won’t ever work up the nerve to ask you how you feel about me again. Because as long as I don’t ask, it doesn’t entirely matter. But if I put it out there, tell you how much I care about you and ask WHY you haven’t done anything about it when everyone we know is asking the same thing… you can say no. You can say you don’t care, you don’t like me, and you can shatter my illusion. And I can’t do that to myself.

6791.) Even though you hurt me in the worst possible way, even though you can be a right cunt at some times, I still want to run away with you and live in a little cottage with you; just us. I’ll never stop loving you. You’re all I want.

6767.) You can use me, abuse me, call me names, spread shit about me, push me around and knock me down. But I will never lower myself to your level. Ever. When I don’t fight back, it’s not because I’m weak, it’s because I’m stronger than you will ever be. I’ll survive, with my pride, integrity and the knowledge that I am the best person I can be. I won’t hurt you to justify my own pain. I’m better than that. So when you’re older, more mature and ridden with sadness and guilt, just know that I’ll be happy, because I know that seeing me smile pisses you off more than anything. Karma is a beautiful thing.

Hello 2011 Goodbye 2010

Its finally the new year, here im hoping for an amazing 2011 and it goes to all my readers too. I'd be lying if i were to concede my life has been smooth sailing, i would not like to think that way either because i have learned that the hardest things in life sometimes are the ones that taught you the most important lesson(s). Life sure has taught me a lesson or two, or maybe more.

2006 was sort of an important year for me as it was the PSLE year but being me back then i could not care less. I was always the cause of worry for both my parents. I was no doubt, the 'devil', i was in cahoot with 'bad' kids to do all the things that were clearly forbidden of us. I got into massive endless troubles with almost everyone and got myself out of it. Frankly speaking, i never studied for exams, only glanced through the mountains of papers i did. I cheated (not during the actual PSLE, of course!), i was chased by my teacher with a broom, mind you!, my friends and i were given the name 'Devil of the First Degree'. Everyone knew us by that name. We sort of 'rule' the school but that was back then. I was a regular in the principal office, my name was written down on the 'bad records' whereby it will be with you wherever you go to so everyone will be aware of your records but my principal was a kind hearted soul she gave me countless of chances and finally blotted my name out from the list. There were more but obviously im never going to write it down play by play here. I didnt know what i was thinking back then but as some people might say, 'Friends have the biggest influence'. Its the universal truth alright. I could not agree more.

Fast foward i am finally a teenager and i left my then life just like that. I became a new person. I realized how stupid and irrational i used to be. I'd changed for the good. Anw, on another note, turning into a teenager is harder than i thought. I lost a bestfriend. The first one is always the most painful. Things just happened and i watched her left hoping we could still preserve what we used to have. But no. We didnt call that often anymore, the conversations became awkward and soon, she was not in my life anymore. I could write down the things you loved without my brain pitching in at all. We probably had the best conversations. We did things together, getting sappy over our dramas, we giggled about boys and this one always leave me confused. She's sort of something special and i will always have this soft spot for her. Just in a tiny corner of my heart...gosh I miss her. Well maybe i didnt try hard enough. Maybe i was too ignorant. Maybe i was too oblivious to her situation that all it took was one revelation to destroy what we had. Maybe i never bother to make things right again when i clearly know its not. Maybe i was too weak to hold on. Or maybe i should stop making excuses and fob myself with the same reason all the time. Maybe i am just a bad friend. (Remember we promised to never leave each other no matter what happened? What happened to that? Im sorry if i messed up this time. lylas.)

Why am i getting emotional at a time like this. Yeah okay. Byeeeeee am going to invade my body with more fats Haha. Today i met my girls. We took pictures but im seeing them tomorrow again..and...saturday too and...monday so i'll have them here by then. Wish us all the best for monday!